For What It's Worth
by Dmarx
Summary: Spoilers for 5x24. As he watches, sees the hollow emptiness wash over her face, it all falls into place. She wants answers. She wants a reason to stay in the city. And she wants that reason to come from him. Complete.
1. Chapter 1

_Summary: __Spoilers for 5x24. As he watches, sees the hollow emptiness wash over her face, it all falls into place. She wants answers. She wants a reason to stay in the city. And she wants that reason to come from __him._

_Author's Note: I swore to myself that I wasn't going to write anything based off the promos. So, naturally, I ended up writing something._

_Disclaimer: Nope. Though my birthday is soon(ish), so if you'd like to be my favorite person ever and get me partial ownership..._

* * *

**For What It's Worth**

"This job, it's what I want."

The response is slow, delivered with that hint of I-think-you're-making-a-mistake tone of voice that only he can master. "Are you sure?"

She nods, but only because he knows her so well does he catch the slight hitch in her answer. "I am. It's...it's a great opportunity."

"And what about your life here?"

Kate shrugs, passing it off as no big deal. As though she has it all figured out and this decision isn't tearing her up inside.

"You're willing to leave the precinct?" he continues. "Your friends there?"

"They understand."

A raised eyebrow. "And Castle?"

Her mask slips, tears pricking the backs of her eyes at the mere mention of his name. She shakes her head, unable to speak. Unable to voice the words, because the minute she says them out loud, it's real. And she's not sure she can handle that.

"This job offer," he presses, "you're sure it will make you happy?"

Kate nods, blinks back the tears. "It's a chance to do more, Dad. To make a difference on a larger scale."

"That doesn't answer my question."

"It will..." she swallows. "It gives me so many more options. Better equipment and I'll be working with some of the top people in the field. I...I'd be stupid to turn it down."

Still not an answer, he notes.

"And in DC...you'd be happier than you are here? Because, Katie, I don't think I've ever seen you smile so much as I have this past year."

"Dad..."

"And I don't think it's work that's doing that to you."

"Dad, please..."

"Katie..."

"No, Dad." She interjects firmly. She refuses to allow herself to be convinced. She won't. It's taken all she has to reach this conclusion and she knows that if she allows him to weave his way between the cracks in her reasoning, she doesn't stand a chance. And she doesn't think she'll make it through having to break her own heart all over again. Or Castle's.

"I've made my decision."

"And you're happy with all that entails?"

She shrugs. "No, but..."

"Then I think you need to stop and reconsider," Jim continues, words firm, because he's not about to watch her walk away from the best thing that's ever happened to her.

"Dad..."

"Do you love him?"

She freezes.

"Do you love him, Katie?"

The dam breaks then, tears spilling out onto her cheeks, tracing damp trails over her skin. Smudges of mascara go with them, painting streaks of faded black beneath her eyes, and the fatherly side in him wants to reach out for her, hold her close, but the rational side knows that she needs to do this alone. Needs to feel the pain, really feel it, to fully understand what she stands to lose.

Instead, he takes her tears as the answer he was expecting.

"He loves you, you know."

She lifts watery eyes to her father's, swiping at the moisture that still taints her cheeks. "I know."

"He loves you the way I loved your mother."

That catches her attention. Her eyes widen and she feels her heart squeeze in her chest at the magnitude of what her father is implying.

"I'd give anything to have had more time with her," he admits now that he has her attention. "I wish I'd gathered up the courage to ask her out sooner, because what we had..." He trails off, overtaken by a wave of melancholy. "Believe me, Katie," he says eventually, words catching in his throat. "What we had...it was the kind of thing that lasts forever."

_Forever. _

The word plays over and over in her mind, an endless loop, and it taunts her, barrels straight through all the ways she justified her decision, leaving them as a pile of rubble at her feet. And without the wall she'd erected, without those reasons right there in front of her, the truth, the real truth, is staring her in the face.

_Forever. _

_He loves you the way I loved your mother._

"I don't doubt that you would be fantastic at this new job," Jim continues after a moment, after he sees it all sink in, watches it play out across her face. "You'd meet people, make a difference. I don't doubt that at all. But what you leave behind here...Katie, that's not something you find just anywhere. And I'd hate to see you miss out on that because of a job."

"I..."

"It's your decision," he reiterates, reaching out to cover her hand with his own. "Ultimately, it's up to you. But just...think about it, okay?"

He drains the last swallow of coffee, stands and tosses a five dollar bill on the table.

He's turning his back, making his way out of the diner, before Kate finds her voice again.

"Dad?" Jim turns, eyes soft and compassionate. "Thank you."

He smiles faintly, nods once, before rounding the corner, disappearing from her sight.

Now alone at the table, Kate drops her head into her hands, sighs heavily. She was so sure. Or, at least, she'd convinced herself of that. Convinced herself that the definite prospects provided by this position outweighed the possible prospects that lay here in the city.

If she goes to DC, the position is hers. If she stays, she'd be doing the same thing she's been doing for years now.

If she goes to DC, the opportunities she'll be faced with won't even compare with what she has access to here at the NYPD.

If she goes to DC, she'd be leaving Castle behind. But even if she stays, there's always the possibility that they'll break up eventually.

DC is the safer option. She's liable to end up heartbroken either way, but at least with this, she'll be getting it out of the way now. And the sooner she breaks apart, the sooner she can begin to piece herself back together.

_Forever._

_The way I loved your mother._

Jim's words still echo in the back of her mind, unrelenting, unwilling to be silenced. Because his words, his message to her...they don't imply that her relationship with Castle is temporary. They imply...more.

Fresh tears spring to her eyes as realization dawns, her eyes opening to the whole set of possibilities she staunchly ignored in her initial internal debate. She sees a sparkling ring on her finger and a three-lettered answer spilling from her lips. She sees Castle in a tux, herself in a white dress, arm in arm with her father as she walks down the aisle. She sees a newborn baby with Castle's brilliant blue eyes blinking up at her. She sees nights spent in his arms, morning coffees while curled up in bed.

She sees everything she's always imagined but never thought she'd actually have.

_Where do you see yourself in five years? _Stack had asked her.

At the time, she didn't have an answer for him. But now it's coalescing, the images crystal clear behind her eyelids, and what was she even thinking, seriously considering this job?

Kate flings a few bucks down on the tabletop, dashes from the restaurant with newfound purpose and determination. Her hands are shaky as she struggles to insert the key into the ignition and she has to force herself to take a few deep breaths, to calm her racing heart before pulling out into traffic, turning sharply at the next intersection, the fastest way to the loft.

Her heart is racing, her whole body trembling as she arrives, feet coming to rest outside Castle's front door, so different from last time but yet so much the same. She runs a hand through her hair, wipes at her cheeks once more in a losing battle against her tears, and raises her fist to rap against the metal.

* * *

_Thoughts?_


	2. Chapter 2

_Summary: Spoilers for 5x24. As he watches, sees the hollow emptiness wash over her face, it all falls into place. She wants answers. She wants a reason to stay in the city. And she wants that reason to come from __him._

_Author's Note: Wow, thank you all so much for the response to the last chapter!_

_Disclaimer: Nope. Though my birthday is soon(ish), so if you'd like to be my favorite person ever and get me partial ownership..._

* * *

**Chapter 2**

The door swings open, but she's not greeted with a smile. Then again, she probably shouldn't have expected to be. Not after the way she left things, not a definitive answer, but one that certainly led him to believe that she was planning to choose the job over him.

"Hey." The word is soft but sure as it leaves her lips, but Castle ignores her calm demeanor, simply leaves the door open and turns away.

"I put all your stuff in a pile on my dresser," he tosses over his shoulder as he crosses the room, leaves her to shut the door on her own. _My dresser._ It stings more than she's willing to admit. But what hurts even more is that he's walking away already, walking away from her in his own home, because he thinks she's walking away from him. She needs to prove him wrong.

"Castle."

"I have bags and boxes if you need..." he adds, already having disappeared into his office, pretending to distract himself with reorganizing a bookshelf. The one, she realizes with another stab to the chest, that holds all of the Nikki Heat books. He's pushing them to the back, hiding them away in an attempt to distance himself from her, from them.

"Castle."

"Just..."

"Rick."

That one catches his attention, and he whirls around, confused to see Kate toeing off her shoes, making herself comfortable. Castle shakes his head, forces the thought away. She's leaving. She's made that very clear. And for his own sake, he needs to stop clinging to any remnants of hope that she'll change her mind. Losing her is going to break his heart. It already is. And he feels so completely destroyed that it's taking all he has to hold himself together right now. He needs to get this over with as soon as possible if he's going to escape with any shreds of dignity.

"I'm not going."

His heart soars but he stomps it down, forces the burgeoning hope aside. She's leaving. Nothing she's said in recent days has indicated otherwise. Except for...

Wait.

"What?"

She shakes her head slowly, takes a step towards him. "I'm not going to DC."

"But I thought...the job..." he stammers, struggling to catch up.

"Is a good opportunity," she agrees. "But that's not all that matters."

Castle raises an eyebrow, still unwilling to buy into her sudden change of heart.

"This morning it sure seemed to be."

"Well, this morning I didn't have my priorities in the right order," she counters.

"And now you do?"

Kate shrugs. "I'd like to think so. But first, there's something I need to know."

He fixes her with a steady gaze, challenging, and she takes a deep breath, releases it slowly before diving in. "Where are we going, Castle?"

It's an echo of her question from a few weeks earlier, but this time there's no way he can misunderstand her meaning.

"You mean..." he gestures between them.

"Us."

Castle sighs heavily, crosses the room and sinks into his desk chair. He makes a point of smoothing out a wrinkle in his jeans, examining his fingernail, anything he can think of to buy himself time to concoct a sufficient answer.

When he offers nothing after a full minute, Kate speaks again. "You don't know." It's not a question.

"No, I...okay, no. I don't."

She nods, resigned, and as he watches, sees the hollow emptiness wash over her face, it all falls into place. She wants answers. She wants a reason to stay in the city.

And she wants that reason to come from _him._

"I want us to be together," Castle offers clumsily in the wake of this realization. It's not much, but it's something. It's all he has at the moment and he can only cross his fingers and hope that it's enough.

"And that's...it?"

Apparently it's not.

"Isn't that enough?"

"I..." Kate sighs. "I want it to be."

"Then why isn't it?"

"Because..." she pauses, hesitates. This is so far past the scope of anything they've discussed, especially considering that they haven't discussed, well, anything regarding the future. Their future. "Because when Stack first mentioned the job, he asked me where I saw myself in five years and I...I want to...I know there are no guarantees but..."

"But you want one anyway."

"Yeah," she breathes, thankful, so thankful that he understands.

"I...I'd love nothing more than for us to still be together in five years, Kate," Castle admits, eyes seeking hers across the room.

"You...you really want that?"

He nods, holds nothing back, allows it all to spill from his eyes as she searches his gaze. Considering that he'd already thought he'd lost her, he really has nothing to lose at this point.

"Okay." The word leaves on an exhale, and the smile that splits her face is the first one he's seen in days. His heart lifts as the happiness reaches her eyes, crinkling them at the corners in the way he loves so much. "Yeah, okay."

Kate crosses to him then and he opens his arms to her, guides her down to his lap. She settles in, knees bracketing his thighs, and leans in to press their lips together. It feels like ages since she's kissed him.

How did she ever think she could manage without this?

Castle chases her lips as she leans back but she stops him with her palm flat on his chest. They can finish this in a minute. First, she has something she needs to take care of.

Kate fishes her phone from her back pocket, scrolls through her recent call list for that familiar number. With only the briefest hesitation, she taps the screen, dials the DC office.

Silence. Then, "This is Detective Kate Beckett."

She pauses, listening, speaks again. "Yes sir. Yes, I have."

Castle holds his breath, and he already knows her decision but he's so nervous he's shaking because Kate Beckett is about to choose him over the job opportunity of a lifetime and he's...overwhelmed. Actually, even that would be an understatement.

"Unfortunately I'm going to have to decline."

He releases a shaky breath and Kate curls her fingers around the back of his neck, playing with the wisps of hair at his nape as she listens intently to the man on the other end of the line. Castle chokes on his next inhale, barely bites back a sob. He closes his eyes in relief, and when he opens them again there are tears slipping from between his lids. But he doesn't stop them, _can't _stop them, because she's here and she's staying, and...

God, he thought he was going to lose her forever.

"Yes sir. Thank you, yes. I appreciate it. Mmm, bye."

Kate lowers the phone slowly, staring at the screen as the reality sets in. Her heart is racing, her entire body feels weak and shaky, and she's equal parts confused and relieved. Because she just turned down a hell of a job offer for the man she's currently straddling. The man who's looking up at her with tears in his eyes, but beneath the moisture she can see that he's just so in awe of her.

She leans in to press a kiss to his cheek, capturing his tears with her lips, and she hates that she's made him cry, because these tears may be of happiness and relief but the ones from this morning and yesterday most certainly weren't. And she hates that she's been the one to hurt him yet again.

But despite it all she feels, for the first time in days, like she can breathe again, and she knows without a doubt that she's made the right decision. She feels her heart un-clench, her lungs expand properly, as she sucks in a quivering breath. The tears from her earlier conversation with her father linger not far beneath the surface, and seeing the water droplets paving a path across Castle's skin is all it takes to draw them back out, spill them over the edges. Castle lifts his hands to cup her face, guides her in until their foreheads touch softly. Tears are dripping onto their pantlegs, and the breaths passing between them are desperate and tremulous, and Kate can feel his hands shaking against her skin. Or maybe she's trembling against his touch. It's hard to say at this point.

"I love you," Castle finally manages, the first to break the silence, his words barely a whisper between them. "Thank you. Oh, God. I love you so much Kate."

She tosses the phone behind her on the desk, sinks into him and secures her other arm around his neck. She clasps her hands together behind him, not letting go. Never letting go again.

"I love you too."

* * *

_Thoughts?_


	3. Chapter 3

_Summary: Spoilers for 5x24. As he watches, sees the hollow emptiness wash over her face, it all falls into place. She wants answers. She wants a reason to stay in the city. And she wants that reason to come from __him._

_Author's Note: This was written before I watched the sneak peek, so any similarities and/or differences are purely coincidental._

_Disclaimer: Nope. Though my birthday is soon(ish), so if you'd like to be my favorite person ever and get me partial ownership..._

* * *

**Chapter 3**

Later, much later, they find themselves in bed, naked and twined together, as though this entire last string of days never happened. As though there wasn't the possibility, just hours earlier, of never again curling up together in this bed. In any bed.

Castle is dozing beside her, hair mussed, sweat drying on his skin as he breathes deeply, chest rising and falling in a comforting rhythm. Kate is curled against his side, head pillowed on his bicep, but sleep doesn't come. Too many things are racing through her mind. The apologies she owes him, the explanations he deserves. Memories of the past, dreams for the future of the love she very nearly threw away.

Her eyes are fixed, unblinking, on a spot across the room, on the colorful pile of clothing, stacked high and topped with a hairbrush, a few pairs of shoes, a haphazardly packed back of toiletries, a few books and other assorted items. Her life at the loft condensed into one mound of belongings. It hurts that their hearts are intertwined so irrevocably yet he was prepared to so easily remove her presence from his loft. From his life.

Kate shakes her head, swipes at a tear, catching it before it drips onto his skin. Castle senses her movements, blinks one eyes open. He tilts his chin down, chasing her gaze, but even from the odd angle he can see that her eyes are not fixed on him. He follows her line of sight, his own bleary eyes coming to rest on the pile of belongings. It hurts, the memory of making his way through the loft, removing her from his home a piece at a time, and his arm curls around her back, holding her close.

"I'm sorry, Castle," she murmurs into the darkness, tilting her head down until her nose nuzzles against his skin. She breathes him in, the lingering mixture of cologne and sex and _her _on his skin, closes her eyes against the onslaught of feelings that wash over her. She almost walked away from this. From him. "I'm so sorry."

Castle sighs, says nothing, can't find the words to voice his thoughts. Because as relieved as he is that she's staying, he can't help but be hurt by the fact that she even considered walking away from them. That she interviewed for a job without telling him first.

"Castle?" she prompts when met with only silence.

He sighs again, finally speaks. "Why?"

"Why what?"

"All of it, Kate," he blurts, voice elevated, and the desperation and relief and love in the room evaporates in an instant, overtaken by the same tension that's lingered between them for days. "You interviewed for a job _in another city _without telling me. You were planning to leave your life behind, to leave _me _behind, and move to DC. And now you're here, but how do I know it's for good this time? How do I know..." he trails off, suppresses the frustrated anger that's bubbling just beneath the surface. "God, I thought we were past this by now."

Kate rolls back, lifts herself up onto her elbow, other hand holding the sheet to her chest, protection, she supposes.

"I didn't..." she begins, stops, tries again. "He offered me the job and I didn't think anything of it. I didn't...I didn't even plan to consider it, but once it was out there, I couldn't stop thinking about it. So I thought...I thought I'd interview just to see, you know? It was a long shot at best. I never thought I'd actually be offered the position."

"And you had to do this without telling me? Dammit, Kate, we're in a relationship. You can't just...that's not how this works."

She runs a hand over her face, through her hair. The sheet falls to the bed, leaving her naked, exposed. But maybe she needs that for this conversation, an outward reflection of the way she should have been open with him a week ago.

"I know. And I'm sorry. I didn't...I should have told you."

"You're damn right you should have," Castle spits. He's still sprawled on his back, eyes fixed firmly on the ceiling, but she can see the tension in his muscles, the tight clench of his jaw, of his hands beneath the sheets. "You asked me where we're going, Kate. You wanted an answer from me. But we're not going to make it there if you keep secrets like this."

Kate rolls onto her back then, lifts both hands to cover her face. She feels awful, the guilt weighing her down with every breath she takes.

"I know," she admits eventually, suppressing the wave of remorse enough to choke out the words. "I know, Castle. I..." she shakes her head, drops her hands to cradle her chin. "I'm no good at this. I'm so sorry."

"But I'm here," she continues after a long silence. "I'm not going to DC. It's...I saw a chance to be more there. But I see now that I have a chance to be more here, too. I just...I didn't know you wanted that too."

"And you never thought to just ask?" he snorts sarcastically, still not letting her off the hook, though she supposes she doesn't really deserve to be let go that easily.

"I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer," Kate admits sadly, the words biting but true.

"You really think I'm not in this, Kate?" Castle challenges, angered by her assumption. "You really thought I'd tell you I didn't want us to stay together? I..." he trails off, balling his fists in anger.

"It's not that," she says finally. "I feel like...like we've settled. And..."

"If things are going well, what's wrong with settling?" he interjects.

"Because..." Kate sighs. "It felt like we weren't going anywhere. It felt like you were just used to having me around, and then Eric Vaughn showed up and..."

Castle scoffs. "Really?"

"...and suddenly you were interested again. But that's...I don't want you to only want me when someone else flirts with me," she admits.

"You really think I stopped wanting you, Kate? You really think that?"

"I don't..."

"One time," he seethes, anger flashing in his eyes as he glances over at her, then back to the ceiling. "One time I turned you down, and suddenly that negates four years of waiting for you?"

"I don't...it wasn't just that," she says, the words spilling out before she can stop them. "It's...it's when you didn't tell me about the 'Jordan' thing, it's when you didn't answer my question last time I asked where we were headed. It's when you didn't trust me. It's...it's all the things we _didn't _talk about. I felt like you didn't _want _to talk about these things because you just..." Kate trails off. She sounds ridiculous, petty, pathetic, and she hates herself for it. Hates that she's managed to make such a mess of their relationship because she let insecurity and selfishness take over.

"Again, you could have _talked _to me, Kate. Something, _anything, _would have been better than letting _Vaughn_," he snarls the name out with disdain, "charm you into thinking...whatever it is he made you think."

It's a long, tense moment before she speaks again. "Vaughn made me realize that I didn't know where you and I were headed."

"So you decided to take that realization and, what...forge your own path?"

"No, not...I just wanted to see what else was out there."

"Right."

"No, that's not..." Kate groans in frustration, because that hadn't come out like she meant it to. Not at all. "I don't want us to break up, Castle," she emphasizes. "I never wanted that."

"Then why apply?"

"Because I wanted..." Kate pinches the bridge of her nose, preemptively winces at what she's about to say. "I wanted more, and I wasn't sure I'd find that here."

She's met with silence. Complete and utter silence. But she can't blame him, not really. How else is he supposed to respond to her words?

"I said 'always,' Kate," he says after a long moment, and he sounds defeated, empty. "I promised you that. And I meant it."

"I know," she breathes on an exhale, soft and apologetic. "I know."

"Then how could you...?"

Kate shakes her head, twists her neck to look at him, and though his eyes are still firmly fixed on the ceiling, she can see damp trails on his cheeks, a tear drop caught in his eyelashes.

"I don't know," she admits on a choked sob. She rubs a hand over her eyes, through her hair. "I don't know how to do this, Castle."

The insecurity in his next words tear at her heart and she has to close her eyes against the flood of tears.

"Neither do I."

* * *

_Thoughts?_


	4. Chapter 4

_Summary: Spoilers for 5x24. As he watches, sees the hollow emptiness wash over her face, it all falls into place. She wants answers. She wants a reason to stay in the city. And she wants that reason to come from __him._

_Author's Note: I don't think I've ever managed to get myself so twisted up while writing a fic. Thank you so much to Andy for reading a gazillion versions of this and helping me untangle the mess I wrote them into. And thank you to everyone for reading and reviewing. I hope this has made the agonizing wait for Monday just a little bit easier._

_Disclaimer: Nope. Though my birthday is soon(ish), so if you'd like to be my favorite person ever and get me partial ownership..._

* * *

**Chapter 4**

"You know, we can't stay like this forever," Kate states eventually.

She doesn't want to prolong their fight, but she also doesn't want them to stagnate. She's thirty-three and she wants...she wants a life now, not one in which she's absorbed in her job, hiding behind her mom's murder. She wants to live and she wants to love and she wants all those things she wanted when she was a little girl. Before the harshness of reality stole her innocence and destroyed her dreams for the future.

She wants all of it, and she wants it with the man lying next to her. She's just not sure he wants it too.

"Why not? What's wrong with where we are?" Castle counters, confirming her fears. "Or...where we were, before..." he gestures randomly, "this?"

Kate seeks his eyes but he doesn't hold her gaze. "So you just want to go on being partners, being...us, just like this, forever?"

Castle shrugs. "If it works, why mess with it?"

"Castle, why are you so against this?" Kate protests, frustrated at his reluctance but desperate to understand where he's coming from.

He sighs heavily, creases forming on his forehead, the corners of his eyes. He looks defeated, older beyond his years, and she can't for the life of her understand why this conversation is so hard for him.

"Because every time I've wanted more, it's ended badly."

Oh.

Right.

She should have thought of that.

"Which is why you want things to stay as they are." It's not a question.

He nods.

"What if..." Kate sighs, rolls onto her side, curling in on herself beneath the sheets. "What if I don't want that?"

He turns his head, finally catches her gaze and holds it. "Then what do you want?"

She hesitates, churns the words carefully in her head before offering an answer. "I talked to my dad this morning."

Castle blinks, pulls his gaze back into focus as it locks with hers. This is a turn of conversation he wasn't expecting.

"He said..." she sniffles, reaches up to swipe at a tear. "He said that what we have is what he had with my mom."

"He...he said that?" Castle gapes, taken by surprise.

"Mmhmm."

"About us?"

She nods against the pillows, chin bumping against her curled arms.

Castle opens his mouth to speak, closes it again when no words come out, before finagling together some sort of reply. "I didn't know he...felt that way."

Kate shakes her head. "Me neither. I...my parents were so happy, Castle. And I've always wanted that. But he...he told me I wouldn't find that in DC."

Understanding dawns now...her earlier questions, her change of heart...and he makes a mental note to thank Jim profusely the next time he sees him.

_What we have is what he had with my mom._

Castle doesn't even know what to say to that, how to respond to Jim's assessment of their relationship. To the implications of his words.

_What we have is what he had with my mom._

He's flattered that her father thinks that. Truly. And he's known for a long time that he loves Kate more than he's ever loved anyone. But he's not sure he's ready for all that it entails. All that she seems to want.

"So you decided to stay?" he utters eventually, deciding to dwell on her decision rather than her father's words.

Kate nods, her words pulling him from his increasingly panicked spiral of thoughts. "I want that, Castle. I just...had to make sure we were on the same page."

"You're really serious about this?" he murmurs, more to himself than to her. Because Kate Beckett is pushing their relationship forward, and it's so unexpected that it catches him off-guard.

"You're not?" she asks, horrified.

"No, no, I am..." he blurts hastily, desperate to erase any doubts. "I am, Kate. I just...what happens when I'm not enough anymore?"

"Castle..."

"Or when I..."

"Castle."

He stumbles to a halt, searching her eyes, and she can see the desperation there as he searches for reassurance.

"Everything else...that's in the past, Castle," Kate soothes, a weak attempt, but she's not used to being the one who has to find the words to piece things back together. And she's no good at this. She's not a best-selling author, and for all her expansive vocabulary, it does her no good now when she can't string the words together in the proper order.

"But I can't just...turn it off," he remarks.

"No," she agrees, understanding better than anyone how deeply the scars of the past can cut. "You can't."

"Meredith cheated," he confesses, voice soft, ashamed. "That's not something I can forget."

Kate reaches out, seeking his hand beneath the covers, and his fingers close tightly around hers. The contact is grounding and Kate draws strength from his touch.

"Castle," she murmurs, coaxes his eyes to hers again. "That's not me."

Though a few weeks ago, it wasn't far off. She understands now why he was so distrusting, why he reacted the way he did. And she certainly hasn't done anything recently to help assuage his fears.

"It's not," she presses when he doesn't speak right away, when she sees it flash in his eyes. "I...I promise you, what happened with Vaughn...it won't happen again."

He searches her eyes, finds only honesty, nods in acceptance. "You not...cheating..." his voice catches on the word, "isn't a cure-all, Kate."

"I know," she agrees. "I'm just...I don't want us to fall apart either, Castle. But I can't..." her breath catches. "I can't do this alone. We have to do this together."

"I want to believe that we can," he whispers.

She squeezes his hand more tightly, reassuring. "I'm not saying right away, Castle," Kate presses, hoping to lessen the pressure. "I just...when you said you wanted us to be together in five years..."

"I do," he reiterates. Despite the spur of the moment nature of his confession, he was serious when he said it. He loves her, wants to be with her. He can't imagine his life any other way now. But he also sees no reason to rush into anything.

"So do I," she affirms. "But I don't want us to still just be..." she waves her hand between them, "this."

Castle sighs. He sees her point. He does. And he wants nothing more than to believe in their future, believe that they can move forward successfully. Wants to believe that a ring doesn't automatically mean eventual disintegration. It's not going to happen overnight, but between Jim's words and Kate's determination and the tenacity with which she's fought for them today, he can feel the first tendrils of faith wrap around him. Faith in himself, in them, in their future.

"We'll get there," he promises, feigning more confidence than he feels, but it's enough to ignite a spark of hope. Kate sees the determination steeling behind his eyes, the defeat evaporating and the fight returning, and she's not there yet, but she thinks she's succeeded in at least partially repairing what she nearly destroyed. And she's determined to fight for this. To fight for him. Her dad's words still echo in her mind and if he believes in them, really believes in them, she's not about to give this up.

It's not going to be easy, but maybe together they can find their way.

Kate allows a smile to break free as his words bolster her spirits, erase the remnants of the jumbled mess that still lies scattered across the space between them.

"I love you," Castle says earnestly, his own lips twitching up into the beginnings of a smile. "Please don't doubt that. I just...don't want to mess this up."

"Neither do I," she whispers.

Minutes pass silently, their eyes locked as inextricably as their hearts as they watch it play out across each other's features. The residual anger, the pain, the fear, the insecurity, the acceptance, the passion, the promise, the love.

At long last, Kate shifts, pushes back the covers and slides out of bed to use the restroom. Castle reaches for her, a huff of protest on his lips, but she silences him with a brief kiss.

"I'll be right back," she murmurs.

Castle watches her cross the room, the way she knows her way around in the semi-darkness, doesn't even have to look for the light switch in the bathroom as she flicks it on. It casts a streak of yellow-orange light across the room and he watches her silhouette gracefully move across the floor. He's missed having her here, though he didn't realize how much until now. She's so comfortable here at the loft and he loves that. Loves that she feels so at home here, that she _looks _so at home here.

He loves that _he_ feels more at home when she's here.

She sorts through the pile of stuff on his dresser, extracts a pair of leggings, and it's awkward, so awkward, because her clothing should be in his closet, not on top of his bureau. Her toiletries should be in the bathroom, toothbrush lined up next to his, where it has been for the better part of the last year.

But it's her own fault, and she really can't blame him for this.

Kate pulls on the pants and slips on Castle's discarded dress shirt, tosses her pairs of shoes in the general direction of the closet. She grasps the bag of toiletries, crosses to the bathroom, is digging for her makeup remover to wipe away what remains of her eyeliner when Castle steps up behind her, wraps his arms snugly around her waist.

She pauses, hand suspended in midair, leans back into him and covers his hands with her own. Kate meets Castle's eyes in the mirror, slight redness outlining the clear blue, and she closes her eyes in shame.

"I'm so sorry," she says again, wants to repeat it over and over until the tears cease, the lightness returns.

"Kate," he whispers, lips brushing her ear.

She shakes her head, eyes still tightly clenched shut.

"Kate," he says again, slipping one hand from beneath her touch to cup her chin, tilt it up. He needs to see her face for this, needs her to see his as well. Because maybe Jim's words are overwhelming, maybe he needs to work through some things before he's ready to go ring shopping, but he needs her to know that this _is _what he wants.

He wants her toothbrush next to his, her clothes in his closet, her shoes all over the floor. He wants her mascara smudged on the pillow cases and her scent lingering in the sheets and her limbs tangled up with his every morning when he wakes.

He wants _her_, now and forever.

Kate opens her eyes, gaze locking with his in the glass, and the emotions she sees reflected back at her nearly take her breath away. This is Castle, looking more sure, more confident, than he has in a long time. Stepping out from behind the fears and insecurities bred from relationships past and taking the leap into the unknown.

This is desire and passion and fierce love.

This is the answer she's been seeking, the reason she's chosen to stay in the city.

"Kate." He breathes her name one last time, so tender and reverent, and she releases a shaky, relieved breath at his words. "Move in with me."

* * *

**END**


End file.
